the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
maybe it's coincidence. perhaps it's pure luck.
the fallen saint left at 11:52 pm
trying to play the saint when i'm not, seeking answers for questions that were never posed to me.
the fallen saint left at 10:10 am
i think the old me is returning.
the fallen saint left at 12:36 am
i hate gnc protein shakes. no matter how much better they claim the formula is compared to the previous batches, they still taste vomit-inducing. i'm just thankful colleen recommended champion nutrition to me. right now i just want to finish what's left of my gnc products (which is quite a lot) and i'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my next tub of champion nutrition.
the fallen saint left at 11:13 pm
you told me this today, "If you're going to choose to be this closed up, why do you even bother dating people - you're only hurting others in the process and like you said it's painful."
the fallen saint left at 10:16 pm
i should learn my lesson - when going out with adel, either be loaded or be very, very disciplined. compulsive shopping tends to be the agenda whenever i'm out with her, and it's not very kind on my emaciated wallet.
the fallen saint left at 11:55 pm
it's been a traumatic past 24 hours.
the fallen saint left at 7:09 pm
i think i smell you when i enter my room, but of course, you're not there.
the fallen saint left at 3:47 am
i'm not a journalist but i really want to make some noise about this.
the fallen saint left at 10:03 am
i hate all the people who take photos of themselves in front of mirrors.
the fallen saint left at 11:52 am on the phone with xp..
the fallen saint left at 12:32 am
i was having lunch with my dad at hog's breath cafe today, and i encountered some astounding service from the two waiters.
the fallen saint left at 11:48 pm watched The Departed last night at vivocity - the movie went from a classic two-way undercover story to a comedic paranoid shoot-em-up. those who've watched it will understand what i mean. somehow the script bore the humour of a crass working class, and i felt like a doughnut-munching and coffee-drinking typical american policeman every time i laughed at the crude jokes. american humour, so they say.
the fallen saint left at 11:47 am
this time i was a motorcycle racer.
the fallen saint left at 7:52 pm
before our drinks. still sober. that's just us. one for you and one for me (: maybe she was a bit high then. we love a good drink. no camera is stopping me from enjoying my beer.
the fallen saint left at 11:51 am
the fallen saint left at 10:58 pm
i used to do a lot of things for other people, to make them happy, to make them like me. all that nonsense that a foolish child believed in. my world revolved around other people, and i was constantly trying to please the people i loved, in order to gain their acceptance. i believe i wasn't alone in having such a mindset, and i see it now in a few friends too.
the fallen saint left at 2:31 pm
i had this dream last night, which was so weird that i felt i had to blog about it. anyway, the brackets and italics are there to help you visualise what i saw in my dream better.
the fallen saint left at 5:29 pm
today, i saw:
the fallen saint left at 12:33 am
the fallen saint left at 1:48 pm
Monday, October 30, 2006
playing the saint
i seem to have the answer - or i am the answer - to troubled people. i don't start off with any idea that i have a solution for their problems, but apparently they accept all that i say and agree. i seldom mince my words and there have been plenty of occasions when i felt really frustrated and at my wits' end as to what else i can say to help them, but in the end i manage it without really knowing how.
no, i'm not writing this in self-flattery. you're not obliged to read my blog, so you're very welcome to click on the red 'X', or alt-f4 your way back to happiness.
but there is a bit of irony in me. maybe it's just part of being a shrink - i know a lot about others' lives but they hardly know anything about me. i used to invite people to discover the person behind this facade, but as the days pass i realise trying to understand the person that i am is a pointless and futile attempt. i will shut the door on anyone who tries to snoop; i know it is unhealthy because in doing so i will have few friends who will be bothered about me, but i'd like to think i'm alright by myself and despite not revealing myself to them, they still know i appreciate their friendship.
i will remain an enigma - by choice and circumstance - and yes, to quote someone, i can't help it.. i'll always be that stranger.
i'm sorry.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
biting off more than i can chew
i can't find the solution to every problem, but still i want to try.
i can't sit here and watch a friend fall - not like this.
but sometimes, i have to admit i'm asking for too much.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
rebirth
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
a brief post
and i need to sort out my bedroom quite urgently. the wardrobe needs an overhaul, and the rest of my cupboards are in need of emptying. i'll be lucky if i can make a quick buck on some saleable items, but i doubt it.
and i'm getting used to not talking to you on the phone at night anymore. it didn't last long, so it shouldn't take long for me to get over it either.
Monday, October 23, 2006
twist
and yes, maybe i shouldn't be getting myself involved in all of this.
or maybe it's what i'm good at.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
day out
however, she does have a good eye for sales and discount items, so i suppose it does lessen the pain somewhat. nevertheless, discipline is key. haha.
and the movie, The Guardian, is really worth watching. i love the military-style training scenes.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
thank heavens
i am thankful it's finally over.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
slipping away
but i can't lose what i never had.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
lazy, exploitative scums
anyone reading the newspapers the past week will probably have noticed the arresting of internet users who've been downloading and sharing files (probably in very large volumes). the first round saw 7 arrested, the second, 25.
all this business was of course, instigated by whining recording industries who claim huge dips in revenue for their artistes due to the downloading of free music. let's just say it is pretty well known that the artistes signed under recording labels only get downwards of 10% for each CD sold. so who's really the one worried about loss of revenue?
understandably, everyone worries about losing profits, but instead of being lazy pricks and resorting to the law enforcement to clamp down on music downloads and sharing, why can't you adapt to the current trend, and sell music online? consider the brief evolution of music storage medium - remember the vinyl records? then came the magnetic tape cassettes. now we're at CDs. i'm convinced this industry switched from the vinyls to cassettes to CDs because of the change in market conditions, as well as for reasons of practicality. likewise, now is a good time to change the medium for selling music.
furthermore, if you sell online, like what the straits times had said, there will be no unsold stock. think about it: there's no hardware required in the first place - no leftover CDs or cassettes on shelves - since everytime a purchase is made, it is done by clicking a mouse button and paying online. furthermore, you don't have to ship huge quantities of physical goods all over the consumer world, and thus your production costs are reduced by a large margin. your huge revenues will come in the form of live concerts, performances and guest appearances on shows, where the artiste is physically present.
these are the winds of change, and this is probably the win-win situation for the industry - both producers and consumers. getting the police to make arrests and charging internet users in the court of law is the lazy and exploitative way out. you may have the law on your side now, but sooner or later the public will find a way to work around it. do not be surprised if in the near future your entire industry goes bust and never sells another record off the shelves again.
Monday, October 16, 2006
rant
and i hate girls who try on clothes in dressing rooms and take photos of themselves in them. it's cheap and pretentious. you all disgust me, no matter how pretty or gorgeous you may look.
transcript
xp: are you sure your family's not in the zoo?
me: yes i'm sure. i checked.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
hog's breath cafe @ holland village
this waiter came up to our table and told us the special items on offer today, which could be seen on a nearby chalkboard. it annoyed me that he kept saying an item was 'about $XX.XX' when it was really $XX.XX+++.
after we decided on prime ribs for lunch, the same waiter asked us for the 'done-ness' of the ribs we ordered. my eyes widened in horror. WTF is this guy saying? i kept a straight face right until he turned his back towards us after we'd placed all our orders and instructions for how our food was to be served.
the two waiters subsequently engaged in a bit of chatter while they were idling about due to a lack of new customers. it was disturbing from our meal because they spoke loudly and it wasn't something really intellectually stimulating that they were discussing. mindless chatter.
so what's my problem? as a paying customer, i don't like being given a rough estimate of how much i am to pay for what i'm consuming, particularly when the price is fixed, anyway. don't tell me this item is about $XX and that item is about $XX. you work here, you should know.
as for the lousy english, i think it just boils down to laziness. if you can't be bothered to find out the correct way of phrasing a question or sentence, and instead are willing to settle for something less than proper, you're lazy. in any case, the supervisor or manager should have educated them on how to phrase such a question especially, since it is a standard question to ask in a decent restaurant serving food like this. it is sad that even though we claim to know at least two languages, many of us are seldom fundamentally sound in any; it's not much use if you can't carry yourself well through the words you speak.
mind you, you two fellows, you are working in a small restaurant and whatever you say can be heard by all the customers, so if you want to talk about your personal lives, i'm sure the people having their meals would appreciate if you didn't air your laundry for all to see - or hear. no one's stopping you from talking, but you might want to retreat into the kitchen for a while perhaps. privacy, you know.
and finally, don't fucking write 'guinness draught' in the menu if you're serving me a glass of guinness that you poured from a can right in front of my eyes.
in the dark of night
drove over with xp to bukit purmei and stopped at where i used to stay as a kid. i was overwhelmed when i got out of the car and took in the surroundings of the neighbourhood; despite the additional facades, everything was where i remembered them to be. the playground, provision stores, coffee shops, and even the mama shop. it's the first time i've been back there since sec4, i just recalled. but this time it was different, because i was there at 3 in the morning, amidst the quiet and serenity. it's hard to find the right words, but i could have stood there soaking in everything, as the memories of days gone by filled me - i could see myself and my friends at the void deck, or at the basketball court, or just eating at the coffee shop. so i did have a childhood after all, albeit hitherto forgotten.
after the reminiscing we drove off to find a spot to chill. maybe it was just our luck but every place we came by was closed. then again, you wouldn't expect many places to be open in the dead of the night. we tried siglap but it was a letdown, and we ended up at east coast park. it's rather amusing to see people wasted on the park benches and such. is being drunk really that fun? and so we stayed and chilled till about 6 in the morning, and we drove home after that.
we missed it this time around, but hopefully one day i'll get to drive while the sun's breaking out from the horizon. i think that would be a sight to die for.
Friday, October 13, 2006
another strange dream
what nonsense. but it felt so real, and so cool.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
a night out at harry's
elaine - my sis who teaches me all the *erhem* wrong things. =P
mine - all mine! 
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
beware if you brew good beer
how cool is this. haha.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
dare to be
things changed less than four months ago. back then i was broken, bitter and depressed, and my confidence was shattered because, to be brutally blunt and honest, i'd lost - twice in a row. but everything is alright now. i have good reason to think so.
i do not live for anyone. i seek not to please others, but myself first. i now think it is stupid to let my emotions, happiness and welfare be determined by a girl or woman who doesn't care if i stand or fall. why should a man, physically strong and apparently emotionally composed, allow the strings of his heart to be carelessly strummed by an equally careless person?
it's naturally difficult to give something up, especially if it brought wonderful memories, but if it is no good for you anymore, you shouldn't hold on. the past is useful in teaching me my mistakes and making me a better person, but i do not wish to live in it. what matters isn't the future, as what many perceive, but rather, the present. who is to say we will see tomorrow? yes, it is human nature to plan and organise, but not at the expense of the current state of affairs; the wealth of a nation was never achieved by abstenance from expenditure.
but i digress. no woman should be permitted such power to control men's hearts and minds. that is frailty. it makes for romantic poetry, this thing called vulnerability, but leave that for literature, unless you yearn for death as a tragic hero. even if so, you are likely to be a fool.
my primary objective is not to please others. i will be the ugliest thing you've ever seen, if that is to be beauty in my eyes. your opinions are secondary, because you do not live my life - and hence you do not understand.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
funny night
i was hired as a hitman to take out this mafia leader of sorts. my employer supplied me with this ludicrously huge weapon (think MIB) to get the job done. i nailed the guy at night, though i don't remember who he was. anyway, after i was done with the weapon, i was left with something like a cartridge. i don't know why i chucked the weapon but kept the stupid cartridge, but here it was with me anyhow. the cartridge looked exactly like the chemical weapon in the movie, The Rock (it starred nicholas cage and sean connery).
so i was ducking around, trying to escape the search party that was combing the streets for my arse. at one point i remember covering myself behind a pillar as i watched the search party - all pressed suits and sunglasses (like the matrix trilogies) - enter a dance club. so once they were out of sight i scrambled away and hid somewhere.
there's a break in my dream here cos i don't remember the connection between my dance club escape and what you're about to read.
it's day now. i find myself in some desert area, thirsty and sweaty. then i think i found a group trying to escape as well, and someone actually owned a bmw x5. don't ask me how i know. i just know. then i hitched a ride and jumped in the front passenger seat from behind, and banged my knee on the steering wheel in the front passenger seat. yes, the front passenger seat. so we made off on our escape. we weren't clear from danger yet, but curiosity got one up on me, and so i asked the female driver (it had to be a female, huh?) why i had a bloody steering wheel and the full set of pedals on my side as well, to which she replied that they were operational too, and i could take over driving if i wanted.
me being a bloody car whore, i couldn't say no to such an offer. so i took over the driving and we sped along to civilisation, where they dropped me off at a neighbourhood market place. (your local hdb ground floor kind of provision shops) at this point the bloody cartridge was still with me, and i had to find my employer to supposedly return it to him, so as to get rid of whatever evidence there was left on me.
searching in vain, i came up with nothing until i got so fed up and just dropped it on one of the tables set up outside a shop, and ran off on my own.
i think the whole dream was full of crap, but the twin-driver bmw x5 really got me laughing.
Monday, October 02, 2006
another car orgy
1 ferrari 360 modena
1 ferrari 360 spider
1 ferrari 355
1 chrysler crossfire
1 nissan 350z
1 bmw z4
and no less than 8 porsches, two of which were cayman s's.
and a yellow murcielago. but that was ugly, because the retarded owner fixed a black spoiler on it.
you can tell where i ran today by following the trail of drool.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
a case of mistaken identity
